a_bornhorst (a_bornhorst) wrote in do_me_tom,

Clairvoyant Disease

Title: Clairvoyant Disease

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Tom Riddle/Minerva McGonagal

Summary: Tom remembers his relationship with Minerva and realizes what he truly wanted in his life. This is a song fic to "Clairvoyant Disease" by Avenged Sevenfold.

Dust begins to fall, to the ground
The air is cold and thin
Thoughts are haunting me as I look around
This will never end and I'll bleed forever


I wonder if she even realizes that I probably will love her forever. I, myself, don’t even understand that. Ever since she left she had been haunting me. I can’t stop thinking about her. I wonder if she thinks about me.


Minerva had been my love in Hogwarts. I was often maddened with jealousy at her looks at Dumbledore. She would cry when I’d purposely make her envious when I purposely made sure she saw me with many other girls. I’d smirk as I’d see her run and cry when she saw me kissing them.


“Tom… What were you doing with Katherine? I-I saw you.”


“Now you know how it feels don’t you Minerva?”


“Know how what feels?”


“You know what I’m talking about. You’re dear sweet Albus.”


“How could you say such a thing? You know I love only you Tom.”


She made me bleed. I don’t think she realized she made me bleed with jealousy and rage when I saw marks that weren’t my own. I wanted to hate her so much, to give her up. Let Albus have her.


But even I, who became Lord Voldemort, loved her too much. We drove each other away.


Don't acknowledge right, just dwell on wrong
This spot in hell's where I belong
I've come so far - it's been so long
Don't know why it started or where it came from


I became interested in the Dark Arts. At first it was simply a slight interest. It was something I read to scare those who mocked me. But I was addicted to it. They were my past. My ancestors were dark, Salazar Slytherin too. I was tempted to be apart of the great legacy. I had to live up to my name. It was like a great pressure on me.


She didn’t understand at all. At first she thought it was one big joke to scare her. She thought I just was looking for more advanced reading material. Minerva trusted me so much.


“T-Tom what’s this?” she asked holding up a manual.


Their were tears in her eyes. I was silent.


“Why are you reading this?” she shrieked.


I walked to her and held her and flashed her a charming smile.


“It’s just reading material, Minerva.”


I kissed her passionately. The manuals were forgotten.


Minerva still saw them and they disturbed her. I couldn’t do anything about it. I loved her, but I loved them more. The power I had was what I loved more than her. She thought I was slipping and falling. I felt I was going higher and higher. This is where my destiny was.


If only she understood that…


Outside shell is strong - confident
But slowly eats away
Like a man plagued with disease, I try to fight
Through my pores it seems to seep...
I'll bleed forever


I never realized how much I needed her. How much I had loved to hold her and kiss her. Perhaps she didn’t realize that. May-be if she had known she wouldn’t have left. May-be if I hadn’t known I wouldn’t have been so hard on her and made her decision so easy.


“Tom, I’ve had enough. I’ve made my decision. I’m leaving.”


“You can’t do that!” I snarled.


“You’re destroying yourself. I hope you know that.”


I grabbed her and shook her hard and she cried. I smacked her on the face.


“Tom stop it!”


“I don’t have to stop it you god fuckin’ whore! You’re not going to leave.”


She pulled herself away from me.


“Tom. I’m leaving. I’m sorry.”


So I grabbed her again and made sure I held her one last time. But it was nothing short of rape.


I didn’t want her to see how weak I felt. How desperate I was. After she left I waited for her to come back. I waited for her to say, “I’m sorry Tom. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”


And I would’ve welcomed her back.


I try to get rid of my thoughts about her, but each time I make it my solemn duty not to think of Minerva more thoughts would come. Thoughts of what could’ve been, what had been. After she left she penetrated my mind. She still does.


Don't acknowledge right, just dwell on wrong
This spot in hell's where I belong
I've come so far - it's been so long
Don't know why it started or where it came from


I tried to replace Minerva more and more with my manuals, my studies and my travels. I no longer acknowledged her even though every time I passed her I wanted to grab her and hold her in my arms again.


There was one time I talked to her. After I became Lord Voldemort, after I came to power. After I felt I had fully replaced her with my work, all I dwelled on was the Death Eaters and power. I saw her again and this time I talked.


“Tom?” she said in disbelief.


She couldn’t believe it was me. Her eyes didn’t flicker in recognition.


“What happened to you?”


I ignored her and touched her shoulder.


“Get the hell away from me!” she shrieked, “You didn’t have to do this to yourself! Where is Tom?”


“I did Minerva. It was my destiny.”


“You’re not the Tom I know.”


“That’s true,” I laughed, “I’m Lord Voldemort now.”


I had been for so long and it had brought me power beyond my wildest dreams. People feared me enough not to say my name. I relished their fear and drank it as the finest drink. But I did not enjoy Minerva’s fear.


I had come so far. There was no turning back now. I was Lord Voldemort. I was no longer Tom Riddle, the man whom Minerva loved.


And you sit there and do nothing
You're content with doing nothing


During my time where I lost my power I craved Minerva. I thought about her. Her name wouldn’t leave me alone. Memories flooded in. I will admit these memories brought me happiness just as the thought of Harry Potter brought in anger. I could not get over my one love.


When I was with the fool Professor Quirrel I saw her for the first time in years. She was still so youthful. Instead of hanging her hair down she wore it up. She knew I loved it down. I told her often.


“God, Minerva you’re so gorgeous with your hair down.”


“You’ve told me before.”


“Promise me Minerva never to wear it up again. Your black hair is so beautiful.”


“I promise Tom,” she giggled.


For as long as I was with her she never wore her hair down. She loved making me happy.

It was like the only reason she wore her hair up was because when she wore it down it reminded her of me. Minerva did not want to think of me.


I told Quirrel to ask Minerva to wear her hair down.


“Minerva how come you never wear your hair down?” Quirrel asked her.


She was startled and looked up into his eyes.


“I haven’t wore my hair down, since…”


Minerva shook her head and laughed,


“I’m an old woman now!”


But her laughter was hollow and she seemed confused and I knew she was thinking of me.


She didn’t look old to me. Minerva looked as beautiful as ever.


There's nowhere to run and hide
when you're living to die
Stuck alone inside your head,
better off dead
The phone would ring in the empty house,
no one's around.


I felt like killing myself plenty of times. Why couldn’t I get rid of my love for her? I couldn’t even admit it to myself that I loved her. During those times when I wasn’t myself she was a song that wouldn’t leave my head. Memories of us making love ran like an old record and I never tired of them.


Those times where I wished I was dead and plenty suicidal the thoughts of Minerva made me glad that I was still alive. Glad I had made it so far. I just wanted her. I wanted her touch. I wanted her love.


But perhaps the love was no longer around?


“Tell me, Barty, of Minerva.”


“You mean Professor McGonagal, my lord?”


“Yes,” I said impatiently.


“She’s ever devoted to Albus Dumbledore. It’s very apparent that they love each other very much, my lord.”


I thought I lost her. I knew Albus took her just as he had took everything else from me. Nothing could replace her anymore. Not even my Dark Arts which had become a part of me. I had that. I no longer had Minerva.


Sometimes I would satisfy myself with Bellatrix, but she was like me. Hungry for power, thirsty with lust. Minerva and I were different people but I knew we were suited for each other.


But in my life, I wanted more, I needed more
I taste more


It has taken me so long to realize all that I wanted, all that I needed, all that I hungered for was her.


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